


Whatever I Had, I Finally Sat Alone

by nonbinarynica



Category: Kingdom Hearts (Video Games)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Post-Dream Drop Distance, and has a moment to go over his own guilt and anxiety, in which sora is doubting himself
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-14
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-14 10:40:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,085
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29417274
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nonbinarynica/pseuds/nonbinarynica
Summary: In between the events that take place at the end of Dream Drop Distance and the beginning of III, Sora has a brief moment of privacy to himself─ one in which he lets his mind wander with questions and thoughts that are riddled with self doubt.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 11





	Whatever I Had, I Finally Sat Alone

**Author's Note:**

> My friend wanted me to write him a post-DDD angst piece for Sora, so I sat down and got to work.. and lo and behold, this piece was born. 
> 
> That being said, I really, really, REALLY wish that we got to see this more depressed side to Sora in the games; I personally headcanon him to be neurodivergent as fuck and I enjoy exploring those inner aspects of him─ especially when it means I get to touch on the idea of him having both depression and anxiety that he hides from everyone else.

_“Deep down, there’s a light that never goes out.”_

That’s true, isn’t it? And yet… even with himself having been the one to say it in the first place, Sora feels like he can only burn so brightly before it’s honestly too much; no matter where he goes his presence is so illuminating, so brilliant, so much like that of the sun ─ but all lights cast shadows and he knows for a _fact_ that he has one, as well. And if failing his Mark of Mastery exam is any indication of it at all, that shadow, that darkness, is constantly looming all too closely behind him ─ always waiting to just swallow him up. And it almost _did_.

The boy can’t help but wonder, then, as he walks out of the Mysterious Tower to catch some fresh air after everything that just happened; he has a number of questions, among several other thoughts, that play themselves out in his head as he braces himself to head off to Olympus Coliseum nearly immediately even after everything that just happened. Honestly? He isn’t even sure what to make of it all. Because, really, what are you supposed to do with the knowledge that you almost lost yourself to Xehanort to begin with? On top of that, who’s the one really at fault here? Does he blame Xehanort for trying to use him, or does he blame himself for not being strong enough to fully resist? The words Master Yen Sid spoke to him are repeating themselves in his mind: _our greatest chance of stopping Xehanort’s plan still lies with you, Sora_. That, and the other thing he said: _but first, you must regain all the strength you have lost._ _Perhaps it is foolish to expect a complete recovery, but it is absolutely vital you perfect one power ─ the power of waking, which you failed to master during your exam._

Sora knows doing so is important, but he _also_ knows that he wasn’t even capable of figuring it out properly. He won’t admit it out loud to anyone else ─ he probably wouldn’t even admit it to himself, were it not for the current circumstances ─ but… there’s always so much to do, and he’s _tired_. He has to keep going, he tells himself that doing so is every bit as important as the rest, but gods, he’s tired. 

_“You can’t become a master without us.”_

  
_“I never woulda thought you’d fail that exam, Sora.”_

Words that cut deep, even if he won’t admit it to either Donald or Goofy. 

His own failure at passing the Mark of Mastery exam, and the events that went down to cause him to do so in the first place… all of it ─ the combination of what went down, his own private disappointment in himself, and the knowledge that he let down all those who were expecting, or hoping for, him to pass to begin with ─ is what’s left Sora seemingly even more exhausted than he’s felt in a long time. It’s not so much a physical exhaustion so much as it is a mental and emotional one; he feels like he’s been through the wringer enough times already, and he’s barely even been able to catch a break for himself in between it all. If he could, he would, but… he can’t. Not when he has to metaphorically pick up the broken pieces of himself and start almost completely from the beginning all over again. How long will it even take to do so…? He doesn’t know. He genuinely has no idea. But Sora tells himself he needs to be willing to work for it again, and work hard. Maybe even harder than he’s ever done in the past. If he does so, and manages to succeed this time, he can become a Master alongside Riku.

… He wishes that Riku were still here. Kairi too, for that matter. Their combined presence alone honestly might help cheer him up some more so than even Donald and Goofy’s could in this moment. But he knows the former two both have work of their own to accomplish ─ Riku, especially, now that the older boy is officially a _Keyblade Master_ . With that in mind, it isn’t to say that Sora is jealous at all of Riku; on the contrary he’s especially happy for, and proud of, the other for at least passing where he didn’t. Even despite the nagging thought at the back of his mind that whispers _the keyblade never originally chose you in the first place, so it’s only fitting that you didn’t pass your test at all_ , Sora is genuinely thrilled for his best friend, and there’s a pride in his heart for Riku that he just… doesn’t have for himself, right now. How can he, when he screwed up and failed the way he did?

Even if he can’t help it in the first place, a part of Sora, admittedly, feels guilty for having these negative thoughts to begin with. At the same time he’s now begun to doubt himself, he also tells himself that he can’t afford to focus on said negativity right now. Especially not when there’s still work to be done.

And yet… that negativity prevails in his mind. Sora casts a quick glance around to make sure Donald and Goofy aren’t within eyesight, then takes a deep breath as he sits down on the front steps of the Tower for a moment before looking down at his hands. He takes another breath, closing his eyes for a few seconds… and then he’s holding his hand out and summoning the kingdom key before opening his eyes again and staring at it a bit. Testing its weight, for some reason it feels a bit heavier now than it’s ever felt before and he can’t help but wonder if it’s because of what happened with Xehanort and the Organization; maybe his _literal_ strength was sapped, some, as well. Great. Just great. That’s something else he’ll have to work on too, it looks like ─ getting used to wielding it like he’s done for quite a while, now, up until this point in time.

He can't help but think, then, of the stories he read growing up, of the heroes who carried the weight of their burdens on their shoulders nonstop… and he's somewhat bitterly amused at the thought of when he used to wonder not _how_ they did it, but _why_. And after all he's been through up until now, after all that he's seen and felt, Sora thinks he finally understands. They carried all that weight not because they wanted to, but because they had to. They had people who depended on them, lives to save, etc., and if they didn't fight for the sake of protecting others, of keeping balance, then, well… who else would?

His fingers tighten absently around the hilt of the keyblade before he lets it vanish from his grip and lets his fingers curl into a fist. He's not… angry. Well, not entirely. He's just… he's mostly scared.

A part of him wishes this responsibility had never come to him. If he had his way, he… actually, wait. No. He can't think that. It's too selfish of him to think that. If he were to wish for such a thing, wish for all this responsibility to never have been placed on him to begin with, then what would the current status be of all the worlds he's saved so far? Would all those people he's saved, all those hearts he's helped protect, even be safe at all now? Or would they just… 

He stares at the fist he's formed, noticing that his hand has started shaking, and he unfurls those shaking fingers and then furls them back into the same fist as before. Sora hates this, hates the feeling of being scared. He doesn't want to feel _scared_ . He wants to feel _brave_. Because that's what heroes do, right? Put on a brave face, and face their fears head on? 

Isn't he a hero to begin with? Hasn't he been one for a _while_ , now?

He has. Which is why he's forced himself, so far, to keep this brave facade of his up at all times and keep on going, keep on smiling. The Gummi ship runs on smiles, after all, and he can't feel sad! And besides the Gummi ship thing, if he let the others see him looking or even feeling down at all, it would likely discourage them, lower their own spirits some. He doesn't want that. Both for the sake of not wanting them to feel sorry for him, and for the sake of making sure they can all carry on, themselves. The others need him. They rely on him. He can't let any of them down.

… But then again, he feels like already _has_ , just a little. By almost letting himself become a vessel for Xehanort, he’s already failed all those people who were counting on him. And just knowing that pains him more than he'll ever admit out loud to anyone aside from himself.

He’s pained, and tired, and somewhat angry at himself, and scared. 

When most young boys are scared, who do they typically long to be in the company of the most? Their parent/s. And because of that, another person that Sora wishes were here is his mother. He hasn’t seen her since… oh, gods, since he and Riku had first arrived back home on Destiny Islands. He’d spent some time at home for a little while before having been called back just to take the exam, and in the duration of that time he’d done his absolute best to explain to her all the things that had happened up until that point in time. She’d barely understood any of it, of course, but she had humored him ─ had listened and paid attention as best as she could, and after Sora had finished telling her about his adventures, the darkness and the light, all the battles and the people he’d met, the worlds he’d visited and saved again and again, all of it… his mother had set the mug she’d been holding down onto the kitchen counter a little harder than intended, had turned around to face her son with tears in her eyes, and crossed over to the kitchen table before dropping to her knees beside his chair to pull Sora into a tight embrace. Several moments had passed, the only sounds being her soft sniffles and the gentle, soft ticking of the kitchen clock that signified the seconds dragging on.

_“I’m so glad you’re home,”_ she’d whispered finally, pulling away to meet his gaze with her brown eyes shining with the same tears as before, “ _”and I am so, so glad you’re_ **_safe_ ** _. You’ve been through so much, and fought so hard. You’re so brave, and so strong after all of this, and I am so proud of you.”_

… Would she still be proud of him, even now? Or would she be scared, knowing what had almost happened to him with Xehanort? Even worse, still; would his mother be _disappointed_ in him? Would she take back what she’d told him about being brave? Would she scold him? Would she ─

Sora takes a deep, shuddering breath and buries his head in his hands in an attempt to force away those thoughts. His mother loves him, and he knows this; she’d been worried about him while he was away, and she’s probably _still_ worried even now, knowing what she does. Maybe it’s a good thing she’s still at the Islands. That way he knows she’s safe, and that’s what matters. What she doesn’t know won’t hurt her. He tells himself that the next time he’s home, and able to see her again, should she ask him to give her more stories of his continued adventures he’ll be sure to leave out what happened with Xehanort. Call him selfish for it, sure, but guilt is a powerful driving force and it will motivate him to hide that part of himself from his mother out of the sheer aspect of not wanting to worry her or make her feel like she maybe… failed, somewhere along the line, in raising him. Despite knowing that she loves him, if his mother were to find out about the whole mess with Xehanort, he wouldn’t be able to help the feeling that he’s let her down and failed her as well.

But… not again. Never again will he fail _anyone_. He can’t, not when he’s now got a set goal in mind: go to Olympus, gain back his strength, and make everyone proud like he was supposed to in the first place. And then maybe when he’s done that, he can take the test again and actually pass this time around. 

It will be a long while, probably, before he gets to that point again though. But as he thought to himself before, he’s got to be willing to work to return to it, and work _hard_.

When he lifts his head back up and stares up at the sky surrounding the Mysterious Tower, there are tears in his eyes that don’t fall; they don’t get a chance to fall, as he quickly and stubbornly wipes at them. He can't let the others see him like this. If they did…

**They won’t.** He’ll wipe those tears away and take another deep breath before he’s steadying himself so to speak. As he does so, Sora continues to watch the sky for a few moments longer. The dark blue of this sky that’s sprinkled with stars and paints itself just above the orange of this world’s horizon, it… oddly enough reminds him of home, of all those sunsets over the ocean. It’s funny, he thinks to himself then; comparing this world’s sky to the one back home, he’s reminded of the one line from Kairi’s letter:  
  
_There are many worlds, but they share the same sky ─_

“One sky, one destiny,” he finishes the sentence out loud, to himself. And it’s on him and his friends to… to protect that destiny, make sure all the worlds are _safe_ . But he’s done his best so far to do just that; even for failing his test, doesn’t the effort he’s put into everything else up until this point count for something? Anything at all? It has to. It absolutely has to; he doesn’t mean to sound whiny, but… it wouldn’t be fair if it didn’t. It would be so unfair. If everything he’s done so far up to now was to add up to the sum of absolutely _nothing_ in the face of failing the Mark of Mastery exam, Sora wouldn’t be able to forgive not only himself for such a dereliction but the universe, as well, for hypothetically being that cruel. 

It’s only a hypothetical, though; however, he chews at the inside of his cheek somewhat anxiously at the thought nonetheless, as even posing it as such still doesn’t make him feel any better about the situation as a whole. The guilt, the anxiety, the _shame_ … all of it combined at once admittedly makes his stomach twist as he considers everything about it. 

Staring at the ground, Sora frowns and continues to chew the inside of his cheek in contemplation. Thankfully Donald and Goofy are still inside with Master Yen Sid, so as far as he knows he still has a bit of time to himself before they leave for Mount Olympus.

… It’s been a while since he’s had some time to himself, now that he thinks about it. Maybe that’s why he’s been riding this current train of thought; he hasn’t ever truly been alone, hasn’t been on his own without anyone else around ─ because he likes to think the Dream Eater spirits counted as company, and he still had the people he’d met in the Sleeping Worlds, too ─ in what honestly feels like… quite a long time, and being left _alone-alone_ , even if for a few moments, means he’s been left to his own devices, which in turn has led to his thoughts spiraling into negativity.

He realizes this, and his frown deepens. Any tendency said thoughts had of spiraling downward in the past was always forcefully snuffed out, pushed down and tucked away. Hidden. And all for the sake of keeping up that always cheerful, and sunny, disposition of his. After all, someone has to be the guiding light to inspire others, yeah…? So it should be him. It _has_ to be him. 

It’s been a part of who he is, a part of his personality, for as long as he can remember ─ probably since he was born ─ so it isn’t like he regrets being this way. But for all the cheerfulness he gives off, for all the smiles and encouragement he gives others, he also feels like he’s… fraying at the edges. Slowly crumbling. Slowly falling apart. Slowly beginning to show little cracks for his inner light to seep out through. And such a flaw is only bound to cast even more shadows than are already present, deeper and darker ones that he forces himself to hide from everyone else. The only time those shadows come out to play is when he’s in Anti Form, and even then said Form is used to fight even further rather than him succumbing to the darkness fully. That, on top of the fact that Anti Form never lasts very long. At least as far as he’s seen ─ which makes him consider… how long will it be, exactly, until the day comes that it becomes a permanent state of being for him, fixes itself as a Form that stays for _good_? How long until the day comes that he loses himself entirely?

His near brush with Xehanort has planted that question, that _doubt_ , deep in both Sora’s heart and mind, and the thought of it alone scares him ─ he’ll keep fighting in the meantime, keep up his part in the battle for the balance between light and dark, keep up all his work to keep the individual worlds safe… but what happened to him, the whole thing with him almost being turned into a vessel for Xehanort, honestly makes him wonder just how much time he has left as _himself._ It’s a terrifying thought; what if he loses himself, and neither Kairi nor Riku are able to bring him back like they both had been able to before? What if he ends up so far gone at some point that salvation is just… impossible? What if he reaches a point too low for them to pull him back from? If that happens, he’ll fail them, the two people he loves the most in this world ─ in all the worlds, for that matter ─ and… 

Sora’s chest tightens just at the thought of such a scenario, and he feels like it’s hard to breathe. His head starts to spin, and he feels dizzy; thank the gods he’s already sitting down. But at the same time, he ─ oh, is this… is this an anxiety attack? Oh, no. He takes several breaths, forcing air into his own lungs. 

_Breathe. In, out… in, and out. Count to three, and repeat again._

It takes another good moment or so before he’s forced his own breathing to come back around to a slow pace, and is able to calm himself down, bring himself out of and away from that particular mindset. Sora glances around, freaked out to himself over what just happened; it’s been literal years since he’s had an anxiety attack of any kind whatsoever, and he returns to nibbling at the inside of his cheek. 

Honestly… there’s just always so much, all at once. His mind races with all of it and he feels like he’s only going to spiral even further if he stays all alone like this, or keeps thinking about _any_ of it at all. Think of literally anything else, he tells himself then, or go back inside, tell the others he’s ready to head out.

… He honestly isn’t so sure he’s actually ready, at all, though; if the anxiety attack that presented itself just seconds prior is anything to go off of, he feels like he might be far from it. Once again, Master Yen Sid’s words echo in his mind: _perhaps it is foolish to expect a complete recovery._

Does that mean he’ll always be like this? On top of his inner darkness always lurking around the edges, does that also mean that he’s any mere _second_ away from just… breaking down, breaking apart entirely, and having a moment where he _shows_ it? 

Gods forbid it at all; what if he has another anxiety attack later down the road, and it happens in front of Donald and Goofy _?_ He wouldn’t enjoy it, and it wouldn’t be fun. Like all his other flaws and weaknesses, it’s something he tells himself he has to hide from them both. The last time he’d had an anxiety attack, it had happened years ago back home on the Islands where his mother had made him some iced tea, wrapped him in a blanket until he’d been able to calm down, had put on one of his favorite music records with the old player his father had owned at one point, and had then sat down with him on the couch with her arm around him while the two of them had listened to his favorite songs together. That’s the problem with it, he thinks ─ that’s the difference between the idea of having an anxiety attack around his mother, and having one around Donald and Goofy; neither of them are _her_ and even with how well the three of them have gotten to know each other by now he doesn’t feel like they’ve gotten to know him well enough to understand him to _that_ degree _._ _  
_ _  
_ It’s nothing he holds against them, of course, nothing he blames either of them for to begin with; it’s just… he doesn’t think he’d feel quite comfortable around them with that level of vulnerability. He has no idea how either of them would react. Besides, he wouldn’t want to worry them, or burden them with all his issues. Not when those issues are his own to shoulder, and his own alone.

Now that the anxiety attack has passed he feels like he can, at least for now, somewhat breathe again. Maybe it’s time to go back inside after all. He’ll have to at some point or another; now’s as good a time as any, while he’s currently still able to talk himself into it at all.

Sora gets to his feet, stands up, and inhales through his nose, closing his eyes for a few seconds before opening them back up. Here goes. He turns on his heel to head back up the small number of steps here at the front of the tower, and goes back inside where, once he’s climbed the stairs up to the top, he’s greeted by the others. Where Donald and Goofy are both completely and absolutely oblivious to his meltdown just moments ago, Master Yen Sid seems intuitive enough to give him a curious stare. But Sora refuses to betray himself and give away any hint whatsoever towards his own anxiety, choosing merely to fix the older man with a bright and confident smile. Don’t let either of them know. They have too much else to focus on at the moment; he can’t afford to let _himself_ be a distraction. 

When Master Yen Sid asks the three of them if they’re ready to leave, Sora tells himself that regardless of how he’s feeling now, regardless of the anxiety attack that just manifested itself mere moments ago, it’s now or never ─ so he answers with a resounding “yes”, and puts on another smile for everyone. 

  
He’ll lie to the others, and he’ll lie to himself in the meantime, if doing so means getting done what needs to be done… and he’ll hide away any part of himself that’s necessary to be hidden in the first place in order to do just that. He’ll force himself to keep going, if he wants to win this fight. He’ll force himself to keep going even if he’s scared ─ no, _terrified_ , actually ─ that he might actually lose it all, lose everything, in the end, and he’ll force himself to keep going no matter what may come because he **has** to.


End file.
